Should You Try to Marry Up?

I was listening to comic Mike Birbiglia’s podcast, and he said that both he and his wife feel like they “married up.” Then they had dinner with a couple who said they both had “married down.” Birbiglia thought, “Oh, no. You should not be married.”

I think we’d all agree with Mike. You should think you married up. But, if it’s really true, is that good? We’ll break down our inquiry into two questions.

Question 1: Are couples usually matched on desirability, that is, on “mate-value”?

Question 2: If you can pull off marrying up, will your relationship be better?

How is Mate Value Measured?

Mate value is usually defined as physical attractiveness. But not always. We all know people who are objectively good looking but seem unattractive because of an unappealing trait (one popular example is “the ick” when dating).

Plus, there are sex-related differences in priorities.

In heterosexual samples, men tend to focus on appearance—beauty and youth. Women focus more on success.

Exhibit A: Most royal couples (except Prince William, #SexiestBaldMan2024)

What’s important for same-sex couples? Interestingly, mate-preference patterns line up more by sex than by sexual orientation.

That is, males—be they gay or straight—tend to value physical attractiveness and youth in their partner. In contrast, females—gay or straight—don’t emphasize appearance as much.

Bisexuals’ preferences also align with sex in many ways. For instance, bisexual men value good looks and youth more than bisexual women do.

And, all groups value certain characteristics in a mate: affection, dependability, shared interests, and agreement on values.

Question 1 Findings

Are real couples equal on mate value? (We’re not talking about those weirdos on 90 Day Fiancé.)

The “matching hypothesis” predicts couples will be similar in mate value. The “aspirational hypothesis” predicts inequality—some will have partners who are out of their league.

        What do We See With Opposite-Sex Couples—That is, Heterosexuals?

If you guessed “matching,” you’d be right. Desirable women pair up with desirable men, and so on, down the scale.

For instance, in one study, research assistants surreptitiously rated college student couples on attractiveness. (I like to picture the experimenters hiding in bushes or wearing bad costumes). They found a positive correlation—highs with the highs and lows with the lows.

The effect also holds true in meta-analyses, which are humongous statistical review projects that look at all the research.

I’m reminded of an old skit on MADtv. It featured a dating service called Lowered Expectations, with the motto “You’ve tried the rest, now settle for what you can get.”

Speaking of dating services, a 2011 study of online dating found “matching” (on attractiveness and self-worth) in couples who actually dated.

Though, interestingly, their preferences were to “date up.” It just didn’t happen.

        What do We See With Same-Sex Couples—That is, Gay Men and Lesbians?

We generally see matching again. But the correlations are a bit lower than with male-female couples.

Why Does “Matching” Prevail?

Well, to put it bluntly, sometimes you have a limited pool. We tend to meet people who are similar to us, for example at school, work, the gym, or the Luxuriant Flowing Hair Club For Scientists (a real club).

And romantic attraction is heavily influenced by similarity—we like people like us. It’s true from the initial spark through lifelong unions.

There’s also the “Michelangelo effect.” Couples “sculpt” each other over time, bringing out their ideal selves more. The process can be subtle (reinforcing behaviors like smiling when they tell a joke), or not so much (dragging your partner to the gym, buying them a nose-hair trimmer).

Hey, why do you think the show Queer Eye is so popular? There are lots of us (uh, I mean people, not me, other people) who think their partner could use some sprucing up.

Question 2 Findings

If you do marry up, will your relationship be better than if you took a matchy-matchy approach?

        For Opposite-Sex Couples

A 2022 study by anthropologists looked at this question. They surveyed semi-nomadic people in southern Africa. Respondents were shown headshots and gave ratings for mate value (how desirable each person was to be in a relationship with) for people they knew.

Crunching the data revealed that couples who were closer on mate value enjoyed better relationships. Benefits included more phone contact and longer-lasting unions.

My husband would interject here and say that it’s easy to stay married in a warm climate. In colder parts (like where we live), you’re trapped indoors with each other like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. So, he’d ask if the results replicate in the frigid zones.

We’ll all agree that Canada is cold. And, indeed, a Canadian study of married couples produced similar findings. They found that matching on four characteristics—attractiveness, spirituality, growth orientation, and exercise—was the key to a happier marriage.

So, in sum, most people would be better off in a relationship with someone equally desirable (or uh, “less yummy”).

        For Same-Sex Couples

There’s not much research yet on the consequences of marrying up in same-sex couples.

That being said, as Dr. Matthew Johnson concludes in his book Great Myths of Intimate Relationships, there are way more similarities between same-sex couples and other-sex couples than differences. So, we’d predict similar patterns.

Should You Worry About “Mate Poaching”?

A seminal study (no pun intended) looked at the risks of having a sexually attractive mate. The sample contained both different-sex and same-sex couples.

As you’d predict, sexually attractive partners were more often targeted in “mate poaching” attempts. The good news was the hotties were not more likely to give in to overtures than the plain Janes and Johns.

The Verdict

Should you date up or marry up? It’s not advised. But, you definitely should tell people—and especially your partner—that you married up.

What To Do If You Already Married Up

Let’s say you pulled a Billy Joel/Christie Brinkley. Is there hope?

Perhaps, so long as you and your better half become chubby buddies. A study found that couples who both gained weight across four years were happier.

Why? Presumably, if one partner slims down, they might be shaping up to go back on the market. But couples who put on pounds together feel secure in their staying power.